New Things

I am somewhat in a forced-fast from technology for the last bit, which has in some ways been a good thing. My computer contracted a virus apparently from a website my son was using for homework research, and it wiped the hard drive. So…until I can afford another computer, as all attempts to get my Windows 8.1 back on it so far have not worked, and buying the program again…well, I can get a new, up to date computer for the same price or less, my posts will be very limited.

Also, I was already in a place of stepping back to quiet my soul and listen. 2014 was a hard year. I am still unable to work, I am selling anything not nailed down to keep the basic bills paid, I am wondering what the future holds. That wondering though, and the change of the year, combined to form a …gateway of sorts. 2015 feels hope, and change, and stepping into things I never have felt free to pursue. I have been accepted as a writer at Venn Magazine (of course, then my computer promptly died-ARGH!) and they published my first article between Thanksgiving and Christmas. Stirrings of writing more of what is in me, of letting go of things and attitudes that I picked up somehow/where along life’s journey, of becoming more “me” and more importantly, who my Lord made me to be, are strong. Nudges by Him down that path have resulted in the starting of a new blog, one I invite you to now. It is  and I am still feeling out design, getting comfortable, but whereas this blog has pretty much been my place to come and vent(?), and those of you still willing to listen to my doing so are welcome to, the “Time” blog feels more like where Jesus is taking me, walking that out. So please come check it out, I would greatly appreciate it!

Categories: Healing & Growing | 1 Comment

Lessons From a Wandering Jew





photo credit: Peas, on Flicker

Before my back injury, mine looked very much like this. It didn’t do well with the tender care of three teenage boys, and yesterday I decided to see what could be done to save it. The poor thing was about 90% dead leaves.

My Jew is sentimental to me, symbolic. I am very much a symbolism sort, those kinds of things connect deep inside, and help me in the daily remembering. I am also a diehard fan of J.R.R. Tolkien, which is odd for me to say, as I usually shudder at the thought of being a ‘fan’ of anything or anyone. That said, “The Silmarillion” especially, but the whole “Lord of the Rings” series also, spoke strongly to me in the early stages of my healing journey, and helped me along the path. The first time I encountered one of these plants was in the summer of ’08, on a day extremely meaningful to me. I had never seen a plant like it, shimmering silver, purple, and forest green. It wasn’t labeled, but I bought it and brought it home. It was very Elven looking to me, and fit the significance of the day in my heart. I didn’t even know what the plant was until this past year! My original had been left behind when my children and I fled, and I had cried a bit over that plant. Then last year I ran into it again, and again one came home with me, this time with a name. I had my Elven plant back, my commemoration to that day.

Coming home and finding it nearly dead didn’t make me too happy. My oldest-at-home son took it down from it’s hook for me before leaving for school. I set to work on it about 9am, house quiet. I love quiet mornings. I’ve come to accept I Need quiet about as much as I Need air.

The Jew didn’t want to co-operate. Seriously. It held onto those dead leaves like it’s life depended on it, while the still living colorful tendrils fell off all over my counter with barely a breath on them. I soon had a glass of water stuffed full of tendrils and leaves, and a potted plant with all sorts of very dead, very thin, threadlike but hard as wire bare brown tendrils.

It got me to thinking…how firmly do I clench onto the dead, dry shoots in my life that I should be letting go of? And how often do I throw off the vibrant, living shoots in order to cling to the old dead ones?




Categories: Faith and Wrestling, Gardening, Healing & Growing | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Small Steps

blog pen paper









blog steps





















I seriously need to spend some time researching formatting. Every time I think I have it figured out, I’m wrong. Persistence!!

I took a step back from everything after my last post. I know I am not in this current trial to thrash around like a fish dying on the shore, which is very much what it felt like I was quickly becoming. I have been asking Jesus and Father for some time, “Who am I, and how do I find out, and what does that mean?” I am not one who can believe none of this has meaning-not my single life being lived, not the grass growing (or trying to in Texas) outside even. As has been evidenced by much of my writing here, this is a question I have wrestled with. Who am I? Why am I here, what am I to do? Specifically, not the platitudes of “make the world a better place” and such. My initial reaction to such is always an internal “Duh…do I look like an idiot??” even if I don’t give voice to it.

I am realizing it has been a journey to accept the fact of personhood, for me. Perhaps that is a result of the abuse, the loss of identity that goes with it. Perhaps it is a result of my childhood, the constant derision of my dreams and goals, the statements of “that isn’t what you really want/think/feel/mean/etc”, and the being forced into the mold my mother had for me, which never ever fit. Whatever the cause, some of the heart work of the last two weeks made me realize I was feeling guilty, STILL, for even existing. For being. That despite thinking I had grown past it, the repeated message of “you were a mistake, if I had a choice you wouldn’t be here” beginning when I was very small was still influencing me, still cutting and tearing deep inside, still undermining any confidence or sense of “I am, and that is right and good.” I spent many hours one day with a close friend, talking through this and other aspects, and discovering that this wound is still there, unhealed. Denial is a powerful blinder. One wants to think they’ve dealt with something, and it’s done, done for good, I’m all better now, thank-you-very-much!

Unearthing that though was key. My behaviors lately have baffled me. Why am I panicking SO MUCH?! It’s not the first time I’ve been around this mountain. I’ve been unemployed and wondering where and how my children and I will live more times than I want to admit. I’ve scratched and fought and worked my way back to a place of being able to make it only to have my feet kicked out from under me, multiple times. Although I think sometimes God tries to keep my blood pressure at 210/115, He always comes through. I wish He weren’t so fond of the dramatic last minute (or second) rescue, but I don’t have much say in that LOL! What I do have a say in though is my response. Realizing I felt like I DID NOT have a say in my response, as I could not be my own person, because I did not deserve to exist…THAT has made a difference.

In the midst of that, Spirit finally said “It’s time…” regarding taking the RHETI test. I have been researching the Enneagram since this last winter, off and on, as some people I deeply respect and regard as teachers and mentors use it for their own growth. The more I learned about the origins, development, and applications of the Enneagram I began to think this might be an extremely useful tool in my life, growth, and healing. I would not let myself read about the types, as I did not want to know before taking the test. So when Spirit led, and I had a morning all to myself in quiet, I did. And I think I will be blogging about it for a while. The test was amazingly accurate, and in being so it also mysteriously afforded me permission to Be Who I Am, and gave me hints as to who that is. I am still processing, will be, and will do some of that processing here. Looking forward to that!

Also, I am working slowly through a writing course. It took me the first 2 weeks to accept that I had been accepted, so now I am playing catch up *rolls eyes at self* The course is teaching me also about myself…who I am. What is my rhythm, how do my words work, what do I need to write, and increasingly, that I *am* a writer, and I can embrace that. There are signs of life stirring deep inside, life in this area that I have fought so hard and pushed down in fear so much. Words are coming now, story pouring out. I have much to learn…but the plug has been unstopped. Thank the Lord!

Categories: Faith and Wrestling, Healing & Growing | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Casting About

I am finding out things about myself I do not like. It is interesting how adversity brings the junk to the surface. The crucible for silver, the furnace for gold…am I either?

I am tired, thoroughly. There is no progress with my back, still looking for a doctor or two. I do not take idleness well. I grew up in poverty, always wondering if we would have a roof over our heads or food to eat, despite both parents working, and working hard. I swore Not Me. Made some bad decisions, I’m sure, based on that. But I had gotten to the point, FINALLY, of being able to pay the bills, and not wonder where it was coming from. There were no extras, no cable or clothes shopping or eating out, but I knew that would, could, come. I was being able to take care of my kids, and that was SUCH a relief.

Then July 14th happened.

I still cannot bring myself to file for the disability the primary care doctor said to. I am fighting accepting the words “you cannot work anymore”. But I need to file it. Everything in me resists that.

Yet, I need income. I need to have a way to keep the roof over my kids heads. I have spent 2+ months now casting about in every direction for ANY paying writing job that can keep us afloat. There is no land line on my road, so all of the work-at-home call center jobs are out. I have looked into stuff that is sheer stupidity out of desperation.

I realize I DESPISE feeling desperate. I also realize desperation is pushing me to make decisions I already regret. And I am kicking and fighting inside.

Oh ye of little faith…

So I have been attempting to pull back. I need to. I need to get into a quiet place, but even in this position there is constant clamour for me from others. Either I’m not doing enough, or I’m trying to do too much, on various subjects. My heart is dying, I feel it, with all of the “shoulds” and “should nots” being tossed in my direction.

And I find myself asking, this past week and this..”Wait a minute…why…WHY am I doing this. Why am I being influenced by this..need to please, at my own expense? Why do I think security can be found there?” People who do nothing to lift a finger to help have judgments…so why do I care? Those that KNOW me, and are helping however they can…they are supportive. Yes, they fuss some, but because I am trying to do stuff I should not, stuff that is hurting me. Not because I’m not doing what they think I can, or doing something they don’t approve of.

Jesus led me into Galatians last week. Do I now seek to please God, or man? Talk about a 2×4 upside the head. Yet it is HARD to let go…because I am supposed to be ‘responsible’.

I look around me, and listen around me, to my children, esp. I am needed here. They are in hard, hard places and they NEED Mom right now. Jesus whispers “let go, and do what needs doing…”  Oh so hard, so hard to not try to figure out how rent will be paid or utilities kept on! Can I do this?

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