Monthly Archives: December 2012

Sunday Reflections

It is Sunday, and two days from now it will be the New Year…2013. I know I should probably be in church, but the boys are at their dad’s until this evening, and the house is quiet for the first time in weeks….I don’t know that I can bear to drag myself from the peace and solitude to intermingle with other humans right now. Plus, I feel Jesus beckoning me to more reflection, time with Him to review this past year. Somehow, it feels like holy ground. So I have made my coffee, grabbed my notebook and computer, and am settled down in my bed propped against pillows, to converse with Him, and you.

2012 was a year of learning not to feel guilty anymore for who I am. Of accepting my seemingly enormous need for quiet space. It began with healing of a specific part of my life, on a deep deep level, progressed to the passing of my father right on the heels of that experience. It has included my slowly coming to accept that I have physical limitations, and that I really don’t need to despise myself for them, or despise the limitations, themselves. They are, now, part of who I am, what this body is made up of, and that is ok. Yes, I believe in healing. The healing of my heart and soul here, in this place, though…I am realizing it is of much more importance than the healing of my body. This frame will not last forever…but “I” will.

It has been a year of healing inside. Our Lord has brought dear brothers and sisters into my life to speak truth, to draw me out, to lovingly and gently say over and over throughout the year “who you are is ok. Your existence is not just ‘ok’, but good and right and needed, and the desires in your heart are good, are of Him” and even the dreaded/amazing “you are beautiful”. Looking back over the days, it is sinking in that somewhere along the line, I began to believe it. I am reminded of a day in May, when Father spoke “it is time for you to begin to bloom”, and I am awed again, and awed at what I am seeing looking back between then and now. It seems He was right….*duh!* Goodness….

I am seeing that in accepting who I am, accepting what has burned inside of me for decades, I am finally accepting ‘this’ as…good, and right. “This” being…well…all of this. What I included in my first post. I am called to the land, and I am called to horses and animals, and I am called to people. And, now I can say that. WOW. The guilt of loving horses washes away, of the fact that the fire of a beautiful horse has burned in my marrow since I was tiny. I smile as I remember once that Mom told me one of my first words was ‘pony’ and she didn’t even know where I’d learned it =) A horse of my breeding is on the mission field. Another has been a 24/7 companion of a boy, young man now, with cystic fibrosis for 12 yrs now. Another is part of a literacy program for children, others are companions, or pets, or driving horses. And these are good things, serving a purpose…that has been my big guilt, horses are a ‘luxury’ item, what GOOD can they do really other than fuel our love for them?? So I pause to let these things sink in, and realize that my dream of using my minis to help those fleeing from and healing of abuse is a realistic goal, a purpose for them, and me. It gives me space to breathe…and a settling in my soul.

What has 2012 meant for you? What healing has Jesus brought in your life this year? I have the feeling tomorrow is going to be looking forward to what the new year holds….

Categories: Goals and Desires, Healing & Growing, Horses | Leave a comment

Saturday 12/29

blog teacup with lavendar art    It is Saturday…the chicks are fed and watered, the horses have their hay, my escapee bunny was spotted again…he has learned to dart under the house. *sighs* One of these days I’ll catch him again. And tea is on…isn’t that teacup lovely? And I want to put in some lilac bushes. They are so lovely, and the fragrance is wonderful.

I have spent this morning learning more about wordpress, and how to use it. Mostly going well, but I am still trying to figure out the darn ‘aboutme’ app and what it links to and why it doesn’t recognize my name, my screen name, or any variations thereof! I would like to get that up. Hmmm…..

I am also finding myself, in these last days of 2012, caught in reflection and in dreaming/wondering/hoping what the new year will bring. 2012 was a tremendous mix of hard, VERY hard, pain, hope, healing-lots of, I think-and learning just who “I” am. It has been a year of learning to live on the least I’ve ever had to live on, which is saying a bit. Ingenuity goes a long way, but only so far LOL! Jesus has dug into some deeply painful places, starting last January…going into those places is hard and painful, but incredibly healing, also. I have continued my preferred method of self defense-hiding-too much. I have struggled all year with self-harm, which has at times raised it’s head in the past, but never so consistently. I have moved, again, and begun now to work on setting up this 5 acres as a sustainable farm, and in the doing am finding healing and meaning. That has always been a ‘dream’ of mine, to homestead/farm…to me they are one and the same. Like gardening, on a bigger level =) I have allowed myself to research, beginning back in May, and the more I have read and learned and talked to people, the more ‘possible’ it became in my heart and mind, which is where anything like this starts. I am learning to assess what I have to work with currently, and how to make it work. Most of all, I am learning how to be alive, really alive, let myself feel. I am not always sure I like it…and other days it is awesome.

It has had me reflecting on Jesus’ words-“I come to give you life, and life more abundantly”. I am aware the word used for ‘life’ there is ‘Zoe’…what has, in my church upbringing, always been explained as “the God kind of life”. It has also been explained that means “super abundance”….God is rich, right? Ask, and ye shall receive. He owns the cattle on a thousand hills, etc. Something ALWAYS felt wrong about all of that. I cut the strings to ‘church’ back in….let me think here…I think it was fall of ’06. Detoxing took years. In some ways, I still am. I was after HIM, not our ideas of Him. He had been my sustenance for many many years, but He had begun pointing at places…

So lately, I’m sitting with “I come to give you life, and life more abundantly”. Throw away all the entitlement thinking linked to the teaching on that verse…what does that leave? Sit in a space with Him, and listen, meditate, think. I am still deep in the listening/meditating mode. Some things though that are kicking around in my spirit, if I can even get them into words rightly….God is life…again, His words…I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life….He came to give Himself…yes. That is part of it, has to be…borne out by His death and resurrection, His giving of the Spirit to us after that. But what is “life” to God? To Father, Son, and Holy Spirit? True, God does not have to wonder where His next meal is coming from, or if He’ll have a roof over his head (with the caveat of Jesus’ time on earth–foxes have holes, I have no place to lay My head comment). Yet I think on it, are those things really “life”? They are more…survival. Basic. Food, shelter, air, water…that sort of thing. So…what is “life”. Again, I am still sitting with this….experiences? What is life LIKE for Them (Father, Son, Spirit). I am starting to get the …understanding…that I might already be living an abundant life, or learning too. I am learning to love, to open myself, my heart, to others besides just my children…to hurt…the gifts suffering brings with it…to laugh again…to hope, to dream, to fail and get up and try again, again, again…to allow the wonder that has always been part of me to surface…and it is all good.

So, there’s where I am this morning…almost noon now! Eeks. Time to go fix some lunch….feel free to share your thoughts.

Categories: Faith and Wrestling, Goals and Desires, Healing & Growing | Leave a comment

Hello, and Welcome!

My name is Tina, and I have been meaning to do this for some time now. *soft smile*

I am a lot of things in life….a woman, a farmer, a single mother, an unexpected divorcee. A horse lover, an animal lover, and a lover of gardens of all kinds. Of birds, and butterflies, and preying mantis’. I am a Christian, though I almost hate to claim the title due to the abuses of so many who do, and will often call myself a follower, or a believer. I am a survivor of extreme abuses. I am healing, I wrestle with depression more often than I care to admit, and I am on a journey. I have homesteading/farming in my blood…my ancestors have kept everything from chickens to reindeer, going back for generations. I am in my early 40’s, and starting life over. Life begins at 40, right? LOL So this blog will be a record keeping of my journey, my mistakes and triumphs, my good days and bad, and my attempt to help others like me.

There is an amazing amount of healing that comes in planting a flower or a vegetable and watching it grow. In sharing conversation, whether we agree or not. In feeding chickens and horses (what my ‘farm’ consists of now)….or rabbits, sheep, cows, or goats (what I plan to add). There is peace and rest in the daily quiet routines of life. I invite you to join me as I explore these things, here.

The bills don’t pay themselves, so my goal is also for this farm to be profitable. I am currently employed also, but my dream is for the farm to provide enough to live on, and to be a resource and a retreat to many besides just myself. So, I will be following that as it progresses also, sometimes offering products (if things go as planned with milk soaps and homemade lotions and etc). It is part marketing and part showing others who come from situations like mine, that it can be done-you aren’t trapped, even though it feels like it. There is a way out.

So I ask you to follow along, read, comment, make suggestions, ask questions….and join me through the daily work of making “The Healing Homestead” a reality. Blessings!

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