It is Sunday, and two days from now it will be the New Year…2013. I know I should probably be in church, but the boys are at their dad’s until this evening, and the house is quiet for the first time in weeks….I don’t know that I can bear to drag myself from the peace and solitude to intermingle with other humans right now. Plus, I feel Jesus beckoning me to more reflection, time with Him to review this past year. Somehow, it feels like holy ground. So I have made my coffee, grabbed my notebook and computer, and am settled down in my bed propped against pillows, to converse with Him, and you.
2012 was a year of learning not to feel guilty anymore for who I am. Of accepting my seemingly enormous need for quiet space. It began with healing of a specific part of my life, on a deep deep level, progressed to the passing of my father right on the heels of that experience. It has included my slowly coming to accept that I have physical limitations, and that I really don’t need to despise myself for them, or despise the limitations, themselves. They are, now, part of who I am, what this body is made up of, and that is ok. Yes, I believe in healing. The healing of my heart and soul here, in this place, though…I am realizing it is of much more importance than the healing of my body. This frame will not last forever…but “I” will.
It has been a year of healing inside. Our Lord has brought dear brothers and sisters into my life to speak truth, to draw me out, to lovingly and gently say over and over throughout the year “who you are is ok. Your existence is not just ‘ok’, but good and right and needed, and the desires in your heart are good, are of Him” and even the dreaded/amazing “you are beautiful”. Looking back over the days, it is sinking in that somewhere along the line, I began to believe it. I am reminded of a day in May, when Father spoke “it is time for you to begin to bloom”, and I am awed again, and awed at what I am seeing looking back between then and now. It seems He was right….*duh!* Goodness….
I am seeing that in accepting who I am, accepting what has burned inside of me for decades, I am finally accepting ‘this’ as…good, and right. “This” being…well…all of this. What I included in my first post. I am called to the land, and I am called to horses and animals, and I am called to people. And, now I can say that. WOW. The guilt of loving horses washes away, of the fact that the fire of a beautiful horse has burned in my marrow since I was tiny. I smile as I remember once that Mom told me one of my first words was ‘pony’ and she didn’t even know where I’d learned it =) A horse of my breeding is on the mission field. Another has been a 24/7 companion of a boy, young man now, with cystic fibrosis for 12 yrs now. Another is part of a literacy program for children, others are companions, or pets, or driving horses. And these are good things, serving a purpose…that has been my big guilt, horses are a ‘luxury’ item, what GOOD can they do really other than fuel our love for them?? So I pause to let these things sink in, and realize that my dream of using my minis to help those fleeing from and healing of abuse is a realistic goal, a purpose for them, and me. It gives me space to breathe…and a settling in my soul.
What has 2012 meant for you? What healing has Jesus brought in your life this year? I have the feeling tomorrow is going to be looking forward to what the new year holds….