Monthly Archives: January 2013

From Richard Rohr


I needed to share this here…partially, so I remember, and partially, because it is oh so true and I want to write more on this line of thought later =)

Categories: Faith and Wrestling, Healing & Growing | Leave a comment



I need the tranquility of this picture tonight. Holey moley, the last couple of weeks have been….a roller coaster, in many ways. I have the bad tendency to go hide when life gets like that, esp when it’s like that inside.  I will warn you, I’m not certain where this is going yet LOL I need to write, so write I shall.

The ‘job’ did not work. I think I realized inside the first week that it wasn’t going to, and got into a bit of a panic. I also, the day I started work, ran out of my antidepressants…which I am not supposed to allow to happen period. Oops. Apparently cold turkey off a huge dose of Celexa isn’t a good thing *rolls eyes* That tailspin was interesting, to say the least. One thing it did do is emphasize just how well they work when I’m taking them as I should! The diner was easy, thank goodness…but too easy. I knew there was trouble when the owner was gloating over having broke three hundred one day. *raised brow*…they really weren’t ready for 3 employees, and my hours were really more like 8-10 per week than 20-30, and we both agreed yesterday that this wasn’t going to work for either side. So I came home, happy to have had my pills for 2 days again, and ….sat down.  Jesus? There is so much You have given me in vision, that it will take time and means to bring to life…and I can’t do any of it if I don’t even have a place to live. That requires income, of a reasonable amount…not $64/wk. During the lack-of-meds-time, I was considering ALL sorts of crazy things…coming back from the edge of the pit of despair is a good thing, I can tell you.

I spent the afternoon yesterday filling out more job apps from a variety of places, and one stood out…the job, the hours, the days…PERFECT. Like, oh-my-word-how-can-this-be-now-if-its-by-Rons-I’m-going-to-have-a-fit, type of perfect. (Ron is a gentleman who’s horses I tend daily) I sent the application, and had a response within a few hours. Today, I interviewed, and was hired. I start the end of Jan, somewhere from the 28th-30th…their current nanny’s last day is one of those, but they aren’t certain which day exactly yet. I get to watch an adorable little 11 month old boy and help his mother out…things I can SO appreciate doing, because I know just how badly I would have loved to have had help when my boys were that age. It feels a bit like ministry, of a sort *soft smile*

The sudden release of the stress of not knowing if we can make it day to day, leaving…I am honestly feeling lightheaded tonight. Woozy. It’s crazy. I have been holding it in His face, really…’You said You’d provide, where is it?” for some time. i am going to need to sit with this and my journal now and bit, and see what all He has to say to account for the past couple of years…see if I learned what He was after in it, see what more there is to learn in it, how to be more like Jesus in these places.

One thing I did learn is He is able to handle me raw and real, in all of my pain and fear and unbelief and panic and stress, just as well as in my set-my-jaw-I’m-going-to-hold-on-if-it-kills-me faith moments. And He LIKES honesty in both. It is …beyond amazing….to come to understand that He loves me in my desperation and despair and mess just as much as any other time, and that when my brain chemistry is off and I’m considering craziness, His grace really truly is sufficient. He holds me through all of that, through my accusations and anger, and loves me right back. And He likes that I let Him be honest, too. This is, after all, relationship. It goes both ways. If it doesn’t, it can’t honestly be called a relationship.

Now, to work with him on the daily organization for the next bit. Oh how I love a set schedule! I love spontaneity, but in small doses.  I think it’s the farmer in me. I Need a rhythm to my day, the “this happens here” and “this happens here” to be my most productive, and to be my best rested and able to rest. It works out well, as it turns out that surprise–farm animals do too! You disrupt a chicken’s schedule and she’ll get her revenge by not giving you eggs for a few days. You mess with your mares daily routines and they’ll not get pregnant. Stress has a huge effect, on every living thing. Hmm. I think there’s something to chew on …more on that later, I am going to guess. And I am off to bed. Thanks for listening. And I will most certainly be fitting ‘blog time’ into my routine!

Categories: Faith and Wrestling, Goals and Desires, Healing & Growing | 1 Comment

A Catch Up my To-Do List Day

blog teacup with roses  I am in the mood for a cup of tea! I think. Today has been and will continue to be a catch-up-on-things day. I’ve neglected updating the Enyalien website for too long, but that is now done. I am trying to be good and get the “this should have been done months ago” list done before I move onto the “things I’d like to do” list…like look at seeds and garden planning. Plot out breeding for this year, and if I am going too. Research more into farming, and daydream a bit. I’m in an “I need beauty” mood, really, and my hope recharged. Somehow, doing the Enyalien site kinda wore that down a bit. The past years have been hard with the horses, keeping it going and allowing myself to plan. It can be a profitable business…it was once. It’s just that “it takes money to make money” thing and right now that’s a bit discouraging.

Hmm…I didn’t mean to come here in a melancholy mood. *soft smile* And, I am reminded, suddenly….there is hope for a tree. Just that phrase alone…it is still hitting me hard, right upside the head. There is hope for a tree, when it be cut down….oh how many times in life I have been. Forget the stupid petty cliches of someone ‘cutting you down’, I mean the real, actual, legs cut out from under you come crashing down and die sort. I used to hate that, who I was. What “being me” has meant. Surely it has meant a curse, I figured.

Truth is in re-framing it.

God has sent quite a few wonderful people who have spent the last years teaching me how to re-frame. How to accept WHO I am, in all the ways I am, and to realize that is not a curse, but a blessing. He has sent verses, like “there is hope for a tree, when it be cut down” and “your Maker is your Husband” and “I will never leave you or forsake you”. Come to think of it, that sounds a bit like a wedding vow. He has sent books like Captivating and Wild at Heart and Waking the Dead, like The Silmarillion and The Secret Garden, The Wounded Heart and Insurrection. I love the line in the Sil, that the elves beauty and wisdom had been increased by sorrow and suffering. There is hope. Today, I feel like I need that hope. And that is OK. There is Grace. And I am so thankful!

Now, on to lining out the school week for my sons, delivering a bedding set I sold, feeding the critters and laundry! Maybe I can slip some baking in too….

Categories: Faith and Wrestling, Horses | Leave a comment

Changing Routines!

blog coffee pot Yah, that’s about how much coffee I need right now…egads. One wouldn’t think a PT, 4 hrs/day in the middle of the day job could throw one off so much, but it has. Thankfully, I’m not feeling overwhelmed, it’s just sorting everything into where it needs to be daily has been a trial and error thing this week. I’m still a bit more in the ‘error’ mode, but apparently will have weekends off, at least for now, so that is on the agenda for this weekend–planning my days better! I woke up this morning with the prayer from Psalms running through my head–“Lord, help me order my days”, which probably also explains why I don’t feel terribly rested…my mind must still be sorting and working while body is sleeping!

My mind is also running with all the possibilities for this year. This job has my mind going on possibilities for increasing her business & giving me ideas for the bakery a friend and I are planning towards. I am really seriously missing the chickens I sold, and would have come home with a half dozen more Americauna’s last night when I stopped to get a bale of hay if the chick bulb hadn’t broken….I need to get another one of those first. I am going to be meeting with a farmer who is local to me about raising/selling chicks and helping him sell his on commission, as I keep getting more requests and love doing it. I need to see if the FDR quote was “A chicken in every yard” or “A chicken in every pot”….I’ve heard both. Yard makes more sense, but so does more than one chicken! Anyhow, I need to run for now, and Lord help me order my days!

Categories: Poultry & Livestock, Projects | Leave a comment

On Chickens and Such

blog barred plymouth rock hen and rooster  Well, it’s been an interesting day for me. I landed a job, rather suddenly and unexpectedly and back in the kitchen, cooking at the Florence Diner. It wasn’t what I was looking for, or hoping for, but it feels RIGHT. A plus that has crossed my mind is that being it’s in the same line of work as my last job, after 3 months of time in here I’ll have the 2 yrs minimum in ‘the same line of work’ one needs to be able to get a home loan in this country. Now all I have to do is get my credit cleaned up. I have joined “the Debt Movement”, a 3 month sort of encourage-keep track-accountability-we will award scholarships as we see progress, thing. Now that I have a job with a regular check coming, I can get back on track, and the side jobs that were supposed to be 15-20 hrs a week but have turned out to be way less…well, I’ll keep my fingers in them to try to get this stuff paid off. I hate debt, but it was a ‘do or live in the van’ thing more than once. Considering what 2-4 boys in a 2-3 room home can be like, I didn’t want to try to think of 3-5 of us in the van LOL Lesser of 2 evils, for sure! Anyhow, I’m feeling excited, and excited about life moving forward.  Hope is a wonderful thing.

And, then, I had my first profitable farm sale. I celebrated halloween (sorry, can’t get myself to capitalize that one) this year for the first time in decades, and in a uniquely me fashion….I bought day old chicks. I’ve always wanted chickens, for as long as I can remember. I’ve always been afraid. The chicks seem so fragile…so tiny and new and peeping and easily hurt. The mortality rate of new chicks with new owners I’ve heard for years is high. Could I handle this? Fear kept me back for literally decades. I had to stop at the feed store for dog food that day, and Ian was with me. We heard the peeping that is nearly always going on in there and went to “peek”. I ended up bringing home 4 Americauna’s and 3 Wyandotte’s…then, hooked, 3 Barred Plymouth Rocks and 3 Brahma’s (who knew…always thought it was a cow…) 4 days later. They stayed in a metal trough in my bathroom under a heat lamp for 3 wks, until they had begun trying their little wings and finding their way out of the trough. I loved having them in, and how they’d talk to me and such, but am not overly fond of the tendency to poo where ever the mood takes them, so I spent a day turning one of my stalls into a rag-tag “chicken coop”. And they’ve thrived! I didn’t lose one. By 7 wks I discovered one of my pullets was cockerel, so a quick trip onto Craigslist and a quick $5 later and he’s off to his own flock of Wyandotte girls that were in need of a young man apparently. The man who bought him and I spent alot of time talking farming, and layout, and what sells and what doesn’t and so on for about 3 hours…it was great. And he commented on how very easy it is to sell chickens. I was thinking “really??” but when came up short on rent this month began posting everything from furniture to dishes to chickens….and what sold, but the chickens. At a profit, after taking out food expenses for the weeks I had them (kept 5…I am determined to have eggs!), of about 200%. I had more people wanting to buy, the ones I kept were the ones who are in my lap or on my shoulder when I go out, or on my feet, or …yah. *smiles*

I’ve found out I *really do* like raising chicks and having chickens. And now I’ve found out there are some ways to profit in this farming thing…yes it was small, but it feels like so much more. Interesting.

Categories: Poultry & Livestock | 5 Comments

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