Monthly Archives: June 2013

More Ramblings …


I just love that face…

About to collapse for the night. My hands hurt from trimming hooves…my back does too. My  heel is on fire, as it often is, and my right knee is too. And for the first time in MONTHS, I am a happy exhausted, fulfilled exhausted.

I do wish life was a simple as finding what fulfills you and doing it, and not having to sacrifice that because there is rent and bills to pay, “life” to keep going, which is no “life” at all, because you’d rather be dead (literally) most of the time.

Don’t get me wrong, I am thankful to have a job that pays me. At the same time, I am dying in it. I hate what I do-though it is very honorable work. But it’s not what I was made for, designed for. And each day that passes, oh how I know that!

What I don’t know is how to follow these clues of what I *am* made for, or moreso, how to live in them, in this world.

Jesus, what are you after here?

Categories: Faith and Wrestling, Healing & Growing, Horses | 1 Comment


ImageThis little photo made my heart smile today, which is a good thing. I have this very teacup, passed down from my grandmother…my mother’s mother, my Finnish grandma, who was a big woman, large boned and sturdy, and it delights my heart when I remember her, how big and strong she was, to know she had a place in her orphaned pioneer heart for dainty teacups and such. She did not have an easy life.

Which, I suppose, also ties in with where I am today. Despair is nipping at my heels, trying to find a toothhold, or maybe a fanghold is a better term. The “why does life have to be so damned hard” and then the whisper of “well, you know, it’s YOU…if you were a better person, obeyed God better, had better parents/relations/whatever, then this would not be happening”. I have to call “Bullshit” on that one. I’m not even going to do the polite *cough* thing with that.

Once again life has gone sideways, it seems, yet I know my Lord knows all. I just sometimes question His timing. I have had issues in the year I have moved bathroom, walk in closet, utility room are still studs with no walls on them and plywood with no floor on it…the carpet that was to be replaced within a month due to the previous renters dog using it for the toilet is still in place, the shower was removed before we moved in and has never been replaced, that sort of ‘minor’ thing…*rolls eyes* ad another 20 items to the list, and you have the place. That said, it *was* a place to rent, with land, and I don’t really mind fixer-upper, as long as it’s fixed. I saw it as raw land, ready and waiting to be taken and molded and made into something beautiful. Hmm…there’s a lesson in there somewhere…

My landlady seemed determined to thwart that at every pass, even when I was putting my money and effort into doing it for her. *scratches head*

Now, I am told 2 days ago, that I need to move. She is putting it up for sale. Peace and panic at the same time is an interesting mixture. I am not an apartment person. I like (need) my space, and I need a few animals. They bring healing to me, and it is my dream for them to bring healing also to others like me. Jesus…the only responsible thing for me to do is start trying to find homes for them all. I will not get stuck running them through an auction because I have no place to keep them. Yet there are a couple I cannot bear to part with. What are You doing Lord? You know I do not have “verifiable employment”, I am a nanny for one family and the farm help for another. You know my credit has gone on the proverbial trip to hell in said handbasket due to the 10 months I was looking for FT work. You know I do not have a deposit to put down, let alone first and last months rent, on ANYTHING. You know rentals in this area start around $1200 month, and I can never qualify for that or in good conscience apply for it. You know the property mgmt companies that handle the ‘good’ landlord rentals all turned me down BEFORE my credit tanked, not enough work background as he wouldn’t allow me to work for a dozen years. All of that comprises the ‘panic’ part.

Yet, running through it, there is a thread of peace that is, interestingly, interwoven with grieving and hope and loss and a dozen other things. Even so, come quickly Lord Jesus…

Categories: Faith and Wrestling, Goals and Desires | Tags: , , , , | 2 Comments

I Thought I Was Over This

I Thought I Was Over This.

WOW blogpost. I so needed this today, and I so need to start blogging again, and yah. Thanks Sam for writing what you did. I may never know you, but you’ve still managed to touch my life. Bless you.

Categories: Faith and Wrestling, Goals and Desires, Healing & Growing | Leave a comment

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