Tonight I’m feeling like rambling a bit, so consider yourselves forewarned *smile*
I have felt very much, for the past few months, like I am in a time of death. I have tried to ignore it, tried to avoid it, yet it persists, and in this space of time off I have had the past few weeks, I have finally allowed myself to think on it some. To let it sink in, and slowly try to process it. In looking for a photo to match this today, I came across a quote that rang true: “Death is Birth in disguise”
Yes, I have believed that really, for some time. I just never heard it put so succinctly. I wish there had been a name to credit, as it deserves crediting. As a Follower of Jesus, and a fan of JRR Tolkien, I *do* believe that death is simply a door. True, a scary door and one I don’t really want to think much about although it’s been on my mind more…something to do with hitting the 40’s a few years back, I am guessing. But that is applied, has been applied, in my mind, to “physical death”.
I hadn’t processed it as also being about the death of things in our lives. Those losses we endure stoically, or on occasion throw ourselves on the floor and sob about. That friendship knifed in the back by someone else’s lie, that job loss, that dream career loss, the loss (death, at the time) of any dream.
There are a variety of areas in my life currently to apply this too. This one, being a woman, is scary and painful and yet I am eager to “let it pass”–the house I am living in. It has not been a good situation. But it started off with some promise, with whispers of hope of stepping into what I was made for.
Then things began going downhill, like a cancer spreading and sucking the life out. And now the life here is gone, and I can’t wait to be. Even if it means going back to an apartment for a year to gather what wits I have and find my feet, yet again. Though I am praying for a house, not an apartment. I don’t do apartments well.
I am an analyzer, my scientific side can’t help it. But I can tell I am analyzing in too many ways, or trying too. “Why?” has a hundred answers here, I’m sure. Some I know. Some were my own mistakes, particularly taking someone at their word, on the proverbial handshake, who turned out to be a cheat and a liar. Why did I miss that said person was though…usually I see better than that. I think. Why have I had so many people telling me I cannot do this farming thing, or this using the horses with abuse and trauma and PTSD victims thing, that I’ll lose my ass (pardon) if I try? I’m losing my ass anyhow, thankyouverymuch. If I’m going to lose it, I’d just as soon lose it doing something I love, vs something I really am abhorring more and more with each day. Don’t get me wrong, being a nanny is a good, honorable job. It’s not what I was made for, and each day that passes I KNOW that deeper and deeper. So I grasp at other straws that might keep me afloat “in the meantime” and I start to read that “mean time” as this feels like a very MEAN time in my life. Each horse that I put on a trailer to go, that was never meant to leave, is a death. I look to pack and wonder where I will be landing, as there are no prospects and things don’t look too good for their being any. And Spirit whispers, “Let it go”. Sometimes I do. Sometimes I ask, “let WHAT go?” Sometimes He answers, more often that not though, He doesn’t…yet. There is a sense of “you will know, when you need to know” and so I sigh and carry on. And wonder, often, if I will ever know who I am, who He meant me to be, what I am here for.
I can’t believe it is what life has been, or has become again.