Monthly Archives: September 2013

Fire, Medical Bills, and What I Am Made For


Rev favorite face pic


This has been more than a bit of an eventful week.


The above i

s a link to a “Go Fund Me” page (Never heard of them before, who knew? Very cool sight though!) I began earlier this week. The shorter “I’m in shock and somewhat panicked” story is there.  This is the more intimate version. Any help anyone feels led to give is very appreciated. Including better ways to edit the page, or say what I said LOL!  I break down the particulars of the goal amount below.

OK, so I’m one of those “crazy horse people”. Have been for as long as I can remember, and according to my family, from well before that.  In 1994 I saw a flyer for a Miniature Horse Show, had that weekend off of work, and went to it. A month later I had my first mini, a 29″ black-bay beautiful little stallion I had fell in love with at the show, he was my tiny “Black Stallion” (for the Walter Farley readers out there). I honestly owe Mr. Farley, as well as CW Anderson and Marguerite Henry a huge debt, as their equine books played a large part in keeping me alive, by giving me an escape as a child.

I have never believed in breeding anything but the best. It is in my opinion, unethical. It is the animal that has to live with the issue, and having some physical issues myself, I can appreciate the pain, fatigue, and mental wear that go into that. I also though am firmly opposed to the “nev

er breed animals if you do you are wrong” camp. If responsible breeders who understand genetics and who love their breed/species don

‘t breed, then all those wonderful genetics are lost, and the only people breeding are the ones we don’t want doing so but have no effective way to stop anyhow…and once again, it is the animals who suffer.  But that’s a different subject.

I spent from ’94-98 researching, basically, and did purchase two quality mares during that time. I was, however, looking for a Reason, a niche, some lack that I could fulfill. And, in ’98, I found it, though it took me another year to really decide that. It was the Winks Miniature. Now, Winks Shetlands are well known, and deservedly so. The Winkelmans have been breeding Shetland ponies since the 1880’s, the current Bill is the 4th generation pony man, and I hope one of his sons takes over. Winks Shetlands have formed the foundation of many of the best breeding programs out there, and have been used as the outcross lines for others. But back in ’73 Bill delved into Minis for a short time, a time that ended in ’86 when he was going through some very rough patches in his life. During those 13 yrs, 30 registered Miniatures were foaled that carried the Winks prefix, and at the beginning his foundation mare, Wink Decision, was purchased. By the time I kept running across the name in pedigree after pedigree of Mini that I really respected, and was speaking with breeders who had used the horses in their programs, there were literally a handful left. Sixteen had been lost in ’86…of the remaining 15, 7 were alive, and all but one were into their 20’s.

I was able to bring home 4 of them, though two were past breeding age, and daughters of 3 others. Carefully line breeding, and including outcrosses to exceptional other foundation lines such as FWF Little Blue Boy, Orion Light Van’t Huttenest, and Dels Cowboy, has consistently produced healthy, quality mini horses with wonderful temperaments that have actually primarily ended up in therapy-type homes. I have a Mini on the mission field in Taiwan, one that is a cystic fibrosis therapy horse, one that is part of a literacy program for children, another who is a therapy animal to an Iraq vet with PTSD. Those sorts of things.

I sold most of the herd off earlier this year. It was not what my heart wanted to do, but it happened towards the end of a 6 month major depressive cycle, even though I was on my meds (at max dosage allowed)….I am diagnosed MDD, PTSD, and something else myself. I was suicidal, and in a really bad place, basically. The horses were sold because I wanted them tended if I went through with “it”. And God brought a buyer who wanted to carry on, she said, and we became friends and she actually helped to pull me out of that cycle partially.

Her daughter tracked me down this past week, as they did not have contact info. Kate was severely injured, lost her husband, home, and everything, in a fire the end of July. The horses have been in foster homes, but Kate and I had an agreement that if she ever had to sell them, they’d come back to me, and once she was able to speak again, told her daughter to get in contact with me. I need to bring the horses home. It feels like a fresh start…like a Jesus thing, completely. In the months since selling them, I’ve been floundering…Jesus, what do you want ME to do with my life?? and knowing in my heart that I had given up on what He wanted when I sold them. The horses are to be part of what He has for me to do. It has been a dream for years to use them with abuse survivors and victims, with PTSD patients, with “mental illnesses” like the depression I suffer from. The horses have saved my life more than once, with their soft muzzles and warm hearts and what they somehow know what I need, when I need it, including horsey hugs to their necks, standing with me while I cry and pressing close, etc.  What they have done for me, they can also do for others.

All of this said, if I was in a position to purchase them back, it’d have been done already. I am a single mother, had an unexpected move August 1st that has put me in a much better home and property, but had to go in debt to do..and I honestly need help. I would also like to give Kate double what she paid me for them, to help with her medical bills. She will ALWAYS have access to the horses, whenever she is ready visit them again. So, here is the breakdown of the $5000 I am attempting to raise:

  • $2500 for Kate
  • $1000 for fencing 2 stallion runs and fixing the fence that needs fixing in the field, and gas monies to go get them
  • $1500 for another shelter, as the one I have now works for the 3 minis we have left, but will not hold 7, and winter is coming

You can visit my very not-updated website if you want to see some of the horses…   I have Sonata, Princess, and Two-Bit left of what’s on the site. I would be bringing home Jangles/Classic, Fancy, Silk, and Lillie.

Thank you for prayers, good thoughts, and any help you are able to donate!

Categories: Depression, Goals and Desires, Healing & Growing, Horses, Pain and mourning | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

For a Friend

blog single red rose






Thirteen years ago today, a little girl was born somewhere in the south.

Her daddy adored her, as good daddy’s do, and would have, still would, do anything, anything, to keep her safe and protect her and cherish her and all the other things a little girl needs to grow up to a be a healthy mature woman.

Almost seven years ago now, she was stolen, kidnapped, taken, and he has not seen her since.

I have had the privilege of becoming this man’s friend this year, and the privilege of helping him carry this burden. He is a good man, broken, shattered in places, just as I am. Maybe that’s why it works. We help each other carry things when the day is too much, when the pain sucker-punches the breath out of a body and one does not know if they can keep going, but also knows they must.

So I post this for him, that she  is remembered, that he is remembered, that this day that should be wild and happy and filled with phrases like “Oh Daddy…” from a now-teenager beautiful young woman….but is now filled with pain, and regret, and remembering….matters. It MATTERS. It is OK to still weep, to sob, to express however you need, my friend. One does NOT get over such things, nor should one. And I stand with you, believing that one day you will find her, see her again. I do not know when, or where, or how….but I know it is possible, I know she is your daughter, so she is half you, which means she is a hardheaded stubborn survivor that will not run and one day will find you if it doesn’t work the other way around. May that day come.

Categories: Faith and Wrestling, Pain and mourning | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Trying to Make Some Sense and Decisions

blog teacup with lavendar artWell, I’m having “one of those days”. I can’t even get the text to begin beneath the picture, the way I normally do.






There, NOW I have a cursor actually under the picture. *grin* Tea…glorious tea. One of God’s little gifts on days like this, right up there with Starbucks latte’s.

I am…unsettled. I think that’s the right word. It started yesterday, kept me up literally all night, and cost me a days work today. I attempted to work on a resume (OH! how I hate resumes!), I have attempted to complete some Watkins Consultant training, I have quietly looked into a half dozen things weighing on me, feeling like they are in a birthing or a dying stage, and I have wondered “Why now?” I have prayed, taken long deep breaths, slowly in-and-out, I have watched Depression stalking and done my best to dodge it’s swipes. It’s not that time of year yet, it’s not the period where the anniversaries come fast and thick one upon another until I can’t breathe. That doesn’t come until next month, yet I am feeling myself there today, among a dozen other places.

I think it has actually HIT me, probably due to trying to write a resume, that I will be out of work in 3 weeks. No, not out completely, but out of my FT-covers-most-of-the-bills job. I will be left with my PT horse care job, and my variety of “on call babysitter/housesitter/dogsitter/you-name-it-I’ll-sit-it” desperation jobs. And writing. And….and I think that is where a large part of the angst is coming from. I don’t know. But what’s more, I feel very much like I’m missing something, overlooking something. And like that something is more in line with what I am made for, rather than what I have come to term “desperation work”. And I have the sense of floundering, like a fish out of water, gasping for air and life and someone, Someone, to toss me back in the pond so I can.

I need to get my thoughts organized. I may do that here. (Lucky you LOL!) But actually, I do it here because I welcome your feedback and thoughts.

See, there is alot going on right now. ALOT. Not that everyone else doesn’t have alot also, but in the line of thinking that goes along with the old saying of “Two sets of eyes are better than one”. In that case, 20 sets, or 100 sets or whatever has to be that much exponentially better, right? =)

Maybe tomorrow I’ll start trying to sort some of this out.

Categories: Depression, Faith and Wrestling, Healing & Growing | Tags: , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Getting This Off My Chest

blog forks in a row 2







This is a bit of a rant today, just to warn you =)

So, last month I registered my two youngest for public school. We had been homeschooling-I’ve done that off and on from the start with them. But now being a single mom working multiple jobs, homeschooling just doesn’t fit. I’ve come to grips with the fact I’m NOT  Supermom! *laughs* And, that is ok. I do my best. So, off we went one evening to get them signed up.

It went well, got them in their classes, and then we went exploring the High School after getting my 15 yr old’s schedule. I wanted him to know where all his rooms were before the first day and to snoop around a bit LOL. And on one of the science room’s walls, was a picture. I can’t find it on the web for some reason, as I figured it came from here. The one above is similar-only add one fork, bent and twisted in the middle of the others. The caption on the picture read “Just because you are unique doesn’t mean you are useful”.

My kids pointed it out to me. And…they were more than a bit perturbed by it. And…I was glad they were.

I found this just wrong on so many levels. Esp once I asked them to tell me what that translated too for them. Some of their answers:

  • Don’t be different from everyone or anyone else
  • Because I have a learning disability, I’m wrong (I have one son with dyslexia and other issues)
  • Because my hair is long, they are going to think I’m wrong (I have 2 with long-to-longer hair)
  • If you aren’t perfect, then you are bad
  • The only thing that matters is being ‘useful’, whatever that means
  • I shouldn’t be an individual

Now, I’m glad it prompted the discussion it did. I got to reaffirm for them that being who they are, NOT who others think they should be, is good and right, even if you don’t fit the mold. All of them have an artsy streak, some musical, some photography/media/writing leaning, some actual drawing. They’ve had some teachers/adults who have encouraged them, and occasionally there is that person who spouts off with “but he’s a boy“….as if males can’t do that.

Anyhow, we’ve talked off and on since about others possible reactions to the sign, and the more I think on it the more I have to protest.  I can’t help but think “What about the disable child who reads that? The one who’s been through a car wreck or a fire, and sees that? The one with Downs Syndrome or any other debilitating health issue? The one who is being abused at home? The teenage girl who’s dad uses her? The one so poor it shows in clothes and upkeep? The one who’s family is torn by alcoholism or drug abuse? The one with a disable family member who therefore has to carry more than the normal share of the weight in a family?” I could go on. There are SO MANY different situations that will cause someone to be “unique”, and teens and children are so conscious of that already. That’s the reason peer pressure works.  The pain this stupid little sign could cause is off the charts. Teen suicide, anyone?

We took the sign down, btw. Took it to the office, tried to talk to the principal. She was very dismissive. So it ended up in the garbage on our way out. I’m hoping a replacement hasn’t found it’s way up…

Categories: rants =) | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Starting a New Week

blog bench under tree lovely


I absolutely love the tranquility of this picture. I need a bench like that…just saying. =)

Wow, this last week was…hectic? Confused? It seemed odd inside and out and like I was doing, if not my best, then one of my better renditions of the proverbial chicken-with-its-head-cut-off. Writing got pushed to the side as survival was the name of the game, and I sit here this Sunday wondering in some odd way, if I did. This past week feels like a loss, or like something WAS lost, and I still can’t get a finger on it.

It may have to do with transitions in my life currently. At least, that seems like a “positive” reason for the turmoil inside, as well as out. The boys and I are loving the new rental. Perhaps too much! Dishes piled up in the sink by the end of the week, floors sticky (ugh!), and just generally looking VERY lived in. I spent my morning catching up my kitchen, as I am feeling the need to bake coming on, and I can’t work in a messy area.

That is one thing I am learning about myself. I crave and need order, and my creative side only comes out of hiding when I have it. She’s been peeping out tentatively and not seeing it, so back inside she runs. Now that I’ve restored some order, well…here I am.

Last night my hiking buddy and I went out to Tejas, and spent a couple hours. I would say watching the river, except it’s pretty well dry. Watching the stones and dirt, and listening to the chirping of the tiny thumbnail size frogs that live there, and have a voice 100x their size at least. It never ceases to amaze me how SO MUCH noise can come from such tiny creatures. Then we hiked, and Oh! how I needed that. We only went about a mile in, primarily because it was dark by that point, and we encountered a family of 3 skunks on the trail. It was fun to stop and watch them sort out what they needed to do, which thankfully did not include any aggressive or defensive spraying *soft smile* After letting them wander off into the brush we turned back, and once we made it back to the trailhead and the river, I saw my first rattlesnake all up close and personal-Neil saw it before I did and kept me from stepping on it. It was a youngster, one of this years babies, and we spent a good 15 minutes watching it.

It was interesting to watch myself internally as I was watching the snake. It was maybe 12″ long, and hadn’t even developed rattles yet. I didn’t realize they had a band of black and white zebra stripes above where the rattle goes. I hadn’t realized their pattern was so intricate, or so beautiful. Neil helped it out of the road-I was afraid at first, because he was using his hand, but it never even tried to strike, just scooted as fast as it could every time he touched it. That prompted a good conversation on human misconceptions and how we fear things we don’t necessarily *need* to, but that watchfulness is always a good thing. I am finding my mind continuing to turn that over today, and wondering how many other things, creatures, and people, we as a species do that with. Personally, I’m terrified of spiders. I can’t stand the things-even though I tolerate them as I do appreciate their appetites for other bugs. Just don’t get one too near me! Yet, really, how much of that fear is rational, and how much of it is …not. Certainly there are things in this world that can hurt us, other people included. But…can I still see that there is beauty in them, and just because one kind of _______ is not healthy to be around, that does not mean ALL are not? I will take a wolf spider over a black widow or brown recluse, for example. The little rattler was actually rather cute, but I would not try to handle it. There is something here I need to explore…

Categories: Faith and Wrestling, Healing & Growing | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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