On Suicide

Two nights ago, I received the news that a dear friend of mine had lost a friend to suicide. This was a man she’d and her husband had known for many years. A man that she said everyone looked to for encouragement, help, that he loved to help others and was always a light for those who needed one. No one knew…no one even suspected. She is wracked now by the question of “Why”?! It hits her hard and fast, an upper-cut to the gut, throughout the day. Why did he do it, why didn’t he talk to anyone, and I’m sure a hundred other “Why’s”. I hurt for her, and her family. For his. For all those whom his life touched, and it sounded like that was quite a few. I pray about the ramifications, the ripples that reach out to those he has supported, encouraged, loved on. Jesus, come…

I’ve attempted suicide myself, three times. Once when I was twelve, and could no longer take the pain. Thank God I didn’t cut deep enough. Twice more, in the last few years, when there was no one and the pain was too deep, too wide, too much. Thankfully, I didn’t take enough pills.

I did these things despite a deep and abiding love of and faith in Christ, in Father, in Spirit.
I did these things because humans have only so much of a pain tolerance, and people don’t suicide to die. They suicide because the pain is too much for too long without hope, without any sight of anything possibly ever being different.

Suicide is not rational…however, in the moment, it appears as the only rational thing there is. The only possible way out. You have begged God and others for any reason to hope, any reason for anything, and it appears to have come up empty and you are left with despair and pain that pushes the boundaries of sanity and sometimes, it pushes too far.

Thank God His grace is sufficient. His love is from everlasting to everlasting. And He is so much more gentle with us than we are, when we are caught in the depths of despair and agony.

There are a number of things that disturb me with how we “treat” depression. I wish we as humans were better at reaching out to each other, at watching over each other. Every time, I hear “Why didn’t he/she ask for help/call someone/talk to someone…” Isolation is huge in those places, alone is what you know. For most people in that much pain, simply asking “Can I talk to you” or “Do you have a minute” takes effort equal to moving a mountain. I have a few people in my life who are suicidal, depressed…I know that now. At one point, I didn’t. But Spirit nudged when one said “Can I talk” and I didnt really have time…but I made time. And I learned about the mental abuse he lives with, and what it has done to him (though he doesn’t totally realize that yet).

I will have to go into more, another day. Out of time, right now…

Categories: Depression, Pain and mourning | Tags: , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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