Ugh…then Hope

Ugh.
It’s been an “Ugh” sort of week, but tides are turning. My friends’ friend’s suicide started things off with grief in my heart-for her, for him, for so many. I avoided the Robin Williams topic when that happened, because so many were speculating and writing and it just seemed..I didn’t need to participate. I am sorry for his family…for their loss. What an incredible human he was. As this man also was. They have found peace now, and healing, I am sure, in the arms of One who knows. But still…it hurts those here. And for that, I grieve, and give thanks yet again that I wasn’t successful.

Medication changes this week also didn’t help. New pain killer, new muscle spasm med, both cause depression and yup boy do they! Getting adjusted now, and that is backing off, thankfully.

And then was told that the specialist my Dr referred me to is retiring in 4 wks, so I have to go back for a different referral. Yippee…ugh. Did I ever mention I hate going to the Dr, for anything?

That said…it’s raining again. In Texas!! WooHoo!!! It’s been raining since yesterday, even. Twice in about a week…and somehow, there is hope again. I also have never understood how rain is depressing…and now, especially so, seeing how we get so very little. Rain is life, and hope, and verdant green all encased in tiny droplets, one after the other. My heart needed it, so much. Almost as much as the parched earth.

There was a writing prompt a few days ago, asking what are five things you would change about your life. Thinking on it, I come up with:
1. Steady work with reasonable income that I don’t have to worry about
2. A home of my own, with acreage and a barn too
3. General good health, but esp this back issue over
4. To be out of debt, completely, and able to stay there-see point 1.
5. I’m having trouble coming up with #5. I’d lose about 50#’s..but that kind of goes with #3. To be married to the man I love, but I don’t necessarily mean State sanctioned marriage. Marriage is more than that, and is, in my opinion, between God and the two involved…the State only needs to come into it if you want the “benefits” they offer. That said, he and I have a ways to go in healing, and after the abuse of his first wife, he “doesn’t believe in marriage anymore”. That’s a statement out of his wounds, and they are deep. So that is in God’s hands. But it is hard having him and my sons under different roofs! I’d say to be able to work from home, so I can be a stay at home Mom, be there for them…as that is, in many ways, ALL I want. My kids are growing…they won’t be home much longer. I ache to be there, and to be able to do all of the “little stuff”…

So, I guess I’ll leave #5 open, for now.
If there were 5 things you could change, what would they be?

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Categories: Depression, Faith and Wrestling, Goals and Desires, Healing & Growing, Pain and mourning | Tags: , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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