I am finding out things about myself I do not like. It is interesting how adversity brings the junk to the surface. The crucible for silver, the furnace for gold…am I either?
I am tired, thoroughly. There is no progress with my back, still looking for a doctor or two. I do not take idleness well. I grew up in poverty, always wondering if we would have a roof over our heads or food to eat, despite both parents working, and working hard. I swore Not Me. Made some bad decisions, I’m sure, based on that. But I had gotten to the point, FINALLY, of being able to pay the bills, and not wonder where it was coming from. There were no extras, no cable or clothes shopping or eating out, but I knew that would, could, come. I was being able to take care of my kids, and that was SUCH a relief.
Then July 14th happened.
I still cannot bring myself to file for the disability the primary care doctor said to. I am fighting accepting the words “you cannot work anymore”. But I need to file it. Everything in me resists that.
Yet, I need income. I need to have a way to keep the roof over my kids heads. I have spent 2+ months now casting about in every direction for ANY paying writing job that can keep us afloat. There is no land line on my road, so all of the work-at-home call center jobs are out. I have looked into stuff that is sheer stupidity out of desperation.
I realize I DESPISE feeling desperate. I also realize desperation is pushing me to make decisions I already regret. And I am kicking and fighting inside.
Oh ye of little faith…
So I have been attempting to pull back. I need to. I need to get into a quiet place, but even in this position there is constant clamour for me from others. Either I’m not doing enough, or I’m trying to do too much, on various subjects. My heart is dying, I feel it, with all of the “shoulds” and “should nots” being tossed in my direction.
And I find myself asking, this past week and this..”Wait a minute…why…WHY am I doing this. Why am I being influenced by this..need to please, at my own expense? Why do I think security can be found there?” People who do nothing to lift a finger to help have judgments…so why do I care? Those that KNOW me, and are helping however they can…they are supportive. Yes, they fuss some, but because I am trying to do stuff I should not, stuff that is hurting me. Not because I’m not doing what they think I can, or doing something they don’t approve of.
Jesus led me into Galatians last week. Do I now seek to please God, or man? Talk about a 2×4 upside the head. Yet it is HARD to let go…because I am supposed to be ‘responsible’.
I look around me, and listen around me, to my children, esp. I am needed here. They are in hard, hard places and they NEED Mom right now. Jesus whispers “let go, and do what needs doing…” Oh so hard, so hard to not try to figure out how rent will be paid or utilities kept on! Can I do this?