Posts Tagged With: healing

Lessons From a Wandering Jew

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photo credit: Peas, on Flicker

Before my back injury, mine looked very much like this. It didn’t do well with the tender care of three teenage boys, and yesterday I decided to see what could be done to save it. The poor thing was about 90% dead leaves.

My Jew is sentimental to me, symbolic. I am very much a symbolism sort, those kinds of things connect deep inside, and help me in the daily remembering. I am also a diehard fan of J.R.R. Tolkien, which is odd for me to say, as I usually shudder at the thought of being a ‘fan’ of anything or anyone. That said, “The Silmarillion” especially, but the whole “Lord of the Rings” series also, spoke strongly to me in the early stages of my healing journey, and helped me along the path. The first time I encountered one of these plants was in the summer of ’08, on a day extremely meaningful to me. I had never seen a plant like it, shimmering silver, purple, and forest green. It wasn’t labeled, but I bought it and brought it home. It was very Elven looking to me, and fit the significance of the day in my heart. I didn’t even know what the plant was until this past year! My original had been left behind when my children and I fled, and I had cried a bit over that plant. Then last year I ran into it again, and again one came home with me, this time with a name. I had my Elven plant back, my commemoration to that day.

Coming home and finding it nearly dead didn’t make me too happy. My oldest-at-home son took it down from it’s hook for me before leaving for school. I set to work on it about 9am, house quiet. I love quiet mornings. I’ve come to accept I Need quiet about as much as I Need air.

The Jew didn’t want to co-operate. Seriously. It held onto those dead leaves like it’s life depended on it, while the still living colorful tendrils fell off all over my counter with barely a breath on them. I soon had a glass of water stuffed full of tendrils and leaves, and a potted plant with all sorts of very dead, very thin, threadlike but hard as wire bare brown tendrils.

It got me to thinking…how firmly do I clench onto the dead, dry shoots in my life that I should be letting go of? And how often do I throw off the vibrant, living shoots in order to cling to the old dead ones?

 

 

 

Categories: Faith and Wrestling, Gardening, Healing & Growing | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Small Steps

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I seriously need to spend some time researching formatting. Every time I think I have it figured out, I’m wrong. Persistence!!

I took a step back from everything after my last post. I know I am not in this current trial to thrash around like a fish dying on the shore, which is very much what it felt like I was quickly becoming. I have been asking Jesus and Father for some time, “Who am I, and how do I find out, and what does that mean?” I am not one who can believe none of this has meaning-not my single life being lived, not the grass growing (or trying to in Texas) outside even. As has been evidenced by much of my writing here, this is a question I have wrestled with. Who am I? Why am I here, what am I to do? Specifically, not the platitudes of “make the world a better place” and such. My initial reaction to such is always an internal “Duh…do I look like an idiot??” even if I don’t give voice to it.

I am realizing it has been a journey to accept the fact of personhood, for me. Perhaps that is a result of the abuse, the loss of identity that goes with it. Perhaps it is a result of my childhood, the constant derision of my dreams and goals, the statements of “that isn’t what you really want/think/feel/mean/etc”, and the being forced into the mold my mother had for me, which never ever fit. Whatever the cause, some of the heart work of the last two weeks made me realize I was feeling guilty, STILL, for even existing. For being. That despite thinking I had grown past it, the repeated message of “you were a mistake, if I had a choice you wouldn’t be here” beginning when I was very small was still influencing me, still cutting and tearing deep inside, still undermining any confidence or sense of “I am, and that is right and good.” I spent many hours one day with a close friend, talking through this and other aspects, and discovering that this wound is still there, unhealed. Denial is a powerful blinder. One wants to think they’ve dealt with something, and it’s done, done for good, I’m all better now, thank-you-very-much!

Unearthing that though was key. My behaviors lately have baffled me. Why am I panicking SO MUCH?! It’s not the first time I’ve been around this mountain. I’ve been unemployed and wondering where and how my children and I will live more times than I want to admit. I’ve scratched and fought and worked my way back to a place of being able to make it only to have my feet kicked out from under me, multiple times. Although I think sometimes God tries to keep my blood pressure at 210/115, He always comes through. I wish He weren’t so fond of the dramatic last minute (or second) rescue, but I don’t have much say in that LOL! What I do have a say in though is my response. Realizing I felt like I DID NOT have a say in my response, as I could not be my own person, because I did not deserve to exist…THAT has made a difference.

In the midst of that, Spirit finally said “It’s time…” regarding taking the RHETI test. I have been researching the Enneagram since this last winter, off and on, as some people I deeply respect and regard as teachers and mentors use it for their own growth. The more I learned about the origins, development, and applications of the Enneagram I began to think this might be an extremely useful tool in my life, growth, and healing. I would not let myself read about the types, as I did not want to know before taking the test. So when Spirit led, and I had a morning all to myself in quiet, I did. And I think I will be blogging about it for a while. The test was amazingly accurate, and in being so it also mysteriously afforded me permission to Be Who I Am, and gave me hints as to who that is. I am still processing, will be, and will do some of that processing here. Looking forward to that!

Also, I am working slowly through a writing course. It took me the first 2 weeks to accept that I had been accepted, so now I am playing catch up *rolls eyes at self* The course is teaching me also about myself…who I am. What is my rhythm, how do my words work, what do I need to write, and increasingly, that I *am* a writer, and I can embrace that. There are signs of life stirring deep inside, life in this area that I have fought so hard and pushed down in fear so much. Words are coming now, story pouring out. I have much to learn…but the plug has been unstopped. Thank the Lord!

Categories: Faith and Wrestling, Healing & Growing | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Ugh…then Hope

Ugh.
It’s been an “Ugh” sort of week, but tides are turning. My friends’ friend’s suicide started things off with grief in my heart-for her, for him, for so many. I avoided the Robin Williams topic when that happened, because so many were speculating and writing and it just seemed..I didn’t need to participate. I am sorry for his family…for their loss. What an incredible human he was. As this man also was. They have found peace now, and healing, I am sure, in the arms of One who knows. But still…it hurts those here. And for that, I grieve, and give thanks yet again that I wasn’t successful.

Medication changes this week also didn’t help. New pain killer, new muscle spasm med, both cause depression and yup boy do they! Getting adjusted now, and that is backing off, thankfully.

And then was told that the specialist my Dr referred me to is retiring in 4 wks, so I have to go back for a different referral. Yippee…ugh. Did I ever mention I hate going to the Dr, for anything?

That said…it’s raining again. In Texas!! WooHoo!!! It’s been raining since yesterday, even. Twice in about a week…and somehow, there is hope again. I also have never understood how rain is depressing…and now, especially so, seeing how we get so very little. Rain is life, and hope, and verdant green all encased in tiny droplets, one after the other. My heart needed it, so much. Almost as much as the parched earth.

There was a writing prompt a few days ago, asking what are five things you would change about your life. Thinking on it, I come up with:
1. Steady work with reasonable income that I don’t have to worry about
2. A home of my own, with acreage and a barn too
3. General good health, but esp this back issue over
4. To be out of debt, completely, and able to stay there-see point 1.
5. I’m having trouble coming up with #5. I’d lose about 50#’s..but that kind of goes with #3. To be married to the man I love, but I don’t necessarily mean State sanctioned marriage. Marriage is more than that, and is, in my opinion, between God and the two involved…the State only needs to come into it if you want the “benefits” they offer. That said, he and I have a ways to go in healing, and after the abuse of his first wife, he “doesn’t believe in marriage anymore”. That’s a statement out of his wounds, and they are deep. So that is in God’s hands. But it is hard having him and my sons under different roofs! I’d say to be able to work from home, so I can be a stay at home Mom, be there for them…as that is, in many ways, ALL I want. My kids are growing…they won’t be home much longer. I ache to be there, and to be able to do all of the “little stuff”…

So, I guess I’ll leave #5 open, for now.
If there were 5 things you could change, what would they be?

Categories: Depression, Faith and Wrestling, Goals and Desires, Healing & Growing, Pain and mourning | Tags: , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Rain

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Rain is falling, a taste of life on parched ground.

I have always loved the sound of rain, be it soft and soaking, or crashing and splattering loud against everything it hits. This is a crashing and splattering sort now, but it began as the other…a patient rain, penetrating deep.

The crashing loud gets my attention…but most of it runs off, the ground here too hard and dry to be able to make much use of it, to be able to make the use of it that it so desperately needs.

Quiet, patient, pattering and soaking rain…that penetrates. That gets in deep, down deep in the soil where it makes a difference. It does so gently, persistently, with each drop gaining ground, nourishing, bringing more life.
I can rest with this sort of rain. Sleep comes easy, also refreshing and bringing life in it’s own way.

All rains are good, esp here in TX…but some rains are better than others. I think there are parallels here with other aspects of life. I’m tired tonight, and though my soul wants to muse on this, I think I’m just going to rest and listen to the rain. I don’t hear it near enough, here. That probably applies to multiple levels, also…

Categories: Faith and Wrestling, Healing & Growing | Tags: , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

These Vows We Make

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s a slightly antiquated word, it seems, in this “modern” age-Vow. Like a promise, but more than. It seems to me our society often tends to turn away from the weightier things. They are, after all, harder to carry. It’s quicker going in the shallows, skimming on FB, celeb watching, keeping ourselves constantly busy and in the presence of noise so we don’t hear the depth in ourselves calling out even. Not everyone, by any means, thank goodness, but too many. We hurt ourselves because we won’t slow down, we won’t partake in silence and listen to the cries of our own souls or those around us.

Sometimes the Lover of our soul has to wrestle us to stillness with a touch to the hip (or back, in my case) to make us slow down to where we Have To be still…I believe in the hope that we will, eventually, stop wrestling and listen. I wonder why we are all so afraid to be alone with ourselves….

In this alone place, inside, this week some vows I made as a child and teen have come to the surface. It was through the books and old forum of Ransomed Heart Ministries that Jesus began this journey with me, back in 2006. I could never quite grasp one of the things they taught though, the concept of what they call ‘agreements’. It made sense, but it was like a wall between me and that deeper area, a place of “I just don’t see it”. Perhaps I wasn’t ready. His grace is so generous…he has proven that over and over in the past 8 years. He is so much more patient than I with my “progress”, so willing to wait until I am ready. That is one thing I have grown to love so much about my Lord. He teaches me how to be gentle with myself, as one of my best friends has often told me to be, by being so Himself.

But back to agreements, which are really vows. Often uttered in moments of pain or disillusionment or anger or another strong emotion, and many when we are children, before we really have the comprehension for the weight of the words we are uttering….yet they are uttered, and with passion and meaning, all that we can muster in those moments….and they become binding. Time passes, and we forget…at least, in the surface living. There is more to this world than meets the eye, and more to us than we allow. It might be “I will never trust another grown up” or “I will never eat yogurt again” after a really bad case of food poisoning. Twenty years later, you can’t say why you won’t eat yogurt, but you won’t. Granted, that’s a trivial example, but it gets the point across.

I’ve been frustrated with myself for a long time in one area. I love to learn. I read non-fiction like it’s going out of style because I LOVE IT. I love to research and to study and I do, on various topics. I need to find work I can do as things are. So I begin looking, and quickly realize just how outdated I am LOL! Egads….I can write, sure, but no…I don’t know how to use MS Word even, not really. Sure I can sort of fumble around in it and frustrate myself in the doing, but USE it? It’s more like it uses me and runs off laughing. And that’s Just Word. *rolls eyes at self* How in the world do I expect to get a decent job? I ask myself. This conversation happened about 3 weeks ago, inside. So I’m talking to a friend about it and he directs me to some certification courses and free learning courses to learn and BAM headlong into a wall when I start looking. What in the world is wrong with me?!?!

After two weeks of searching inside as I could, in this particular area, I feel ok to start. So I sign up for a class. And do the first lesson, and then…jello. Interesting…what is this? It took a few days of listening, but then, softly, quietly…”I will never go to school again”. And I remember…

despite loving to learn, hating school and what it meant, both while there and at home, in elementary.

ditto for Jr High…only that included, even more so, the lesson of “you are not enough” and “who you think you are is wrong”.

ditto for High School, but it included the pressure that I HAD BETTER be valedictorian, but with the knowing that I had to be, that I still was not going to be allowed to follow what burned inside of me, because that was “wrong”.

and throughout my senior year, and the pain involved with the crushing, and the being told I would not be allowed to utilize the full scholarship to UofM I had been awarded, making that vow. “I will never go to school again.”

And I haven’t. Until this week. Oh, it’s rather measly, for sure. But It Is A Start.

I renounce that vow. Some vows, it is OK to break. Some are meant to be broken. Some are chains, and they need to be cut. Get the bolt cutters, friend, they are coming off!

It was a fight to get my lessons done, but I did. I got 100% on my first test. And I turned in my end of week assignment, just in time. But it’s IN.

Do you have vows you’ve made in those moments that are hindering you? I’m sure I will find more. Jesus has decided it’s time, I’m ready, to face some of this. I know I can trust His timing. And it’s really Nice to be able to breathe in this area, again.

I think I’m looking forward to school. *soft smile*

Categories: Faith and Wrestling, Goals and Desires, Healing & Growing | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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Shifa Naseer

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