It’s a slightly antiquated word, it seems, in this “modern” age-Vow. Like a promise, but more than. It seems to me our society often tends to turn away from the weightier things. They are, after all, harder to carry. It’s quicker going in the shallows, skimming on FB, celeb watching, keeping ourselves constantly busy and in the presence of noise so we don’t hear the depth in ourselves calling out even. Not everyone, by any means, thank goodness, but too many. We hurt ourselves because we won’t slow down, we won’t partake in silence and listen to the cries of our own souls or those around us.
Sometimes the Lover of our soul has to wrestle us to stillness with a touch to the hip (or back, in my case) to make us slow down to where we Have To be still…I believe in the hope that we will, eventually, stop wrestling and listen. I wonder why we are all so afraid to be alone with ourselves….
In this alone place, inside, this week some vows I made as a child and teen have come to the surface. It was through the books and old forum of Ransomed Heart Ministries that Jesus began this journey with me, back in 2006. I could never quite grasp one of the things they taught though, the concept of what they call ‘agreements’. It made sense, but it was like a wall between me and that deeper area, a place of “I just don’t see it”. Perhaps I wasn’t ready. His grace is so generous…he has proven that over and over in the past 8 years. He is so much more patient than I with my “progress”, so willing to wait until I am ready. That is one thing I have grown to love so much about my Lord. He teaches me how to be gentle with myself, as one of my best friends has often told me to be, by being so Himself.
But back to agreements, which are really vows. Often uttered in moments of pain or disillusionment or anger or another strong emotion, and many when we are children, before we really have the comprehension for the weight of the words we are uttering….yet they are uttered, and with passion and meaning, all that we can muster in those moments….and they become binding. Time passes, and we forget…at least, in the surface living. There is more to this world than meets the eye, and more to us than we allow. It might be “I will never trust another grown up” or “I will never eat yogurt again” after a really bad case of food poisoning. Twenty years later, you can’t say why you won’t eat yogurt, but you won’t. Granted, that’s a trivial example, but it gets the point across.
I’ve been frustrated with myself for a long time in one area. I love to learn. I read non-fiction like it’s going out of style because I LOVE IT. I love to research and to study and I do, on various topics. I need to find work I can do as things are. So I begin looking, and quickly realize just how outdated I am LOL! Egads….I can write, sure, but no…I don’t know how to use MS Word even, not really. Sure I can sort of fumble around in it and frustrate myself in the doing, but USE it? It’s more like it uses me and runs off laughing. And that’s Just Word. *rolls eyes at self* How in the world do I expect to get a decent job? I ask myself. This conversation happened about 3 weeks ago, inside. So I’m talking to a friend about it and he directs me to some certification courses and free learning courses to learn and BAM headlong into a wall when I start looking. What in the world is wrong with me?!?!
After two weeks of searching inside as I could, in this particular area, I feel ok to start. So I sign up for a class. And do the first lesson, and then…jello. Interesting…what is this? It took a few days of listening, but then, softly, quietly…”I will never go to school again”. And I remember…
despite loving to learn, hating school and what it meant, both while there and at home, in elementary.
ditto for Jr High…only that included, even more so, the lesson of “you are not enough” and “who you think you are is wrong”.
ditto for High School, but it included the pressure that I HAD BETTER be valedictorian, but with the knowing that I had to be, that I still was not going to be allowed to follow what burned inside of me, because that was “wrong”.
and throughout my senior year, and the pain involved with the crushing, and the being told I would not be allowed to utilize the full scholarship to UofM I had been awarded, making that vow. “I will never go to school again.”
And I haven’t. Until this week. Oh, it’s rather measly, for sure. But It Is A Start.
I renounce that vow. Some vows, it is OK to break. Some are meant to be broken. Some are chains, and they need to be cut. Get the bolt cutters, friend, they are coming off!
It was a fight to get my lessons done, but I did. I got 100% on my first test. And I turned in my end of week assignment, just in time. But it’s IN.
Do you have vows you’ve made in those moments that are hindering you? I’m sure I will find more. Jesus has decided it’s time, I’m ready, to face some of this. I know I can trust His timing. And it’s really Nice to be able to breathe in this area, again.
I think I’m looking forward to school. *soft smile*