Peeling Off the Layers

 

I saw this a couple days ago, floating around on Facebook. Sometimes it has more than just cute cat videos! Although I have to admit rather liking the one of the cat trying to get into a small kitty hammock *semi mischievous grin*

Anyhow, it basically sums up where I feel like I have been, inside, for the past year or more….maybe even the past five, really. It is fascinating, delving into all of the things, all of the words, that “make” us, so to speak. Or that we tend to think do so.

When I was a child and teenager, I had thoughts, feelings, dreams, and interests that sparked me, that really made me feel alive. The only issue was I had no one in my life who agreed with or approved even one of them, except maybe reading-that got me “out of their hair” for a while, which was really hours on end. That was OK, it was my refuge, my way out, even if just for a time.

And when I was a child, a teen, a young adult, there were other people who insisted I wasn’t really interested in what I was interested in, or it wasn’t “right” for a girl/female, or I simply “couldn’t do that-you aren’t _______ enough”. Instead, I was to be this or that, basically this or that equating to a secretary or a wife, and when I couldn’t type 100 wpm, I was instead forced into a marriage I didn’t want with the comment from my mother of “if he’s stupid enough to marry you, you are going to!” Gee thanks mom…

It’s been 8 years now since Jesus started me on this journey with an invitation and His hand held out. A journey to healing, to discovery, and to acceptance. When I look back on what WAS, I can’t believe the miles we’ve covered! The current leg of the journey, it is dawning on me (I can be a bit slow at times on the uptake lol), is this un-becoming. The shedding of all I really am not, like Aslan peeling the dragon skin off of Eustace. I would like to say, like a flower unfurling, but that’s a different part of the process, even if happening concurrently.

I have found a curious reaction in myself to this process, however. Something nearly akin to terror. As I let go of “you are ugly”, “you are stupid”, “you are not capable”, etc, or as “Captivating” so effectively summed it up–you are too much and not enough– I find myself fearing a vacuum. That there will be nothing there. That what was, when I was young….well, I’m too old now. There have been too many hard miles. In some ways, that is accurate–I will never be a vet or an archaeologist, simply for physical reasons. I realize I am afraid that “who I was meant to be in the first place” CAN’T be anymore.

And I am wondering how to get around that.

Jesus would not lead down this road if it couldn’t be done. There is hope.

Also, a job is not the definition of “who I am”, or “who I was meant to be”. Nor is past experience, though I fully believe He intends to use that, mold it like clay, into something much more wonderful than it was intended.

So, how do you know who YOU are? What all makes that up?

Processing When It’s Not What You Want To Hear

“Although the world is full of pain and suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it”-Helen Keller

It’s amazing the things one uncovers in oneself when they get bad news. I grew up reading of Helen Keller, and of Laura Bridgman…her biography, “Child of the Silent Night”, was one of my favorite books and I read it over and over. I often thought, if they can live with what they had to, then so could I. I could be strong too, bear up bravely, be longsuffering and patient no matter what life or others threw at me. I had a neighbor, a wonderful woman, with severe arthritis. She nonetheless always was peaceful, gentle, strong, patient. I learned a lot from her, and from trying to be like her. She led me to Jesus as a very small child, and taught me how to try to live like him. We could use many more like her, today, but that’s another post for another day.

I’ve been lamenting what I realized was a loss of “that” Tina, this year. I realized somewhere around last Christmas that something in me had shifted at some point in time, and I had lost that attitude, and that peace. I wasn’t sure where or when, exactly. But I began to ask Jesus to help me get back to “me”, to that which had been lost to the pain of life somewhere along the way and replaced by a subtle undercurrent (or maybe not so subtle? Am I brave enough to ask those in my life?) of regret, anger, and bitterness.

And July 14th I find myself unable to move in pain that made 35 hours of labor questionably painful, and the kidney stones I’ve had, too.

I need to apologize to anyone I’ve ever not been sympathetic enough of regarding their back injuries. I understand now.

I’m one of those millions of uninsured people, who fell through the cracks of the ACA and therefore still am. I’ll be writing a few posts on that, I’m sure. I know what poverty is…I grew up in it, I’ve lived it. I’ve fought my whole life to get out, and I will. But wow we treat poor people wrong, in general. Anyhow, I said that was another post, sorry! Long story short, I finally got an MRI done last week, and this Tuesday finally found out why the pain. More than one ruptured disc, stenosis, other degenerative issues, leaking.

I tried to be relieved at the news. It could have been a good deal worse, from what I understand, and at the same time justified the pain I’ve been in-I’m not a wimp. Yet…

I’ve been wrestling inside for 2 days over it now. And I found some anger. I found the resentment, the bitter, the “I don’t deserve this, why me?”. I’ve been wrestling more with my response than with the diagnosis. What do I mean “why me?” Why me because a horse trampled me, that’s why. Life happens. Sometimes it’s fun, sometimes it’s not. I really seriously DO NOT LIKE entitlement attitude, but my response was striking me as just that. Time to dig…this weed has to go. That’s Not Me. I know “me” better than that.

To be honest, I’m still digging. I’ve dug it up as far back as the early years of an abusive marriage, that I did not want in the first place, and the mode of survival that I went to, the type of inner defense I set up. I want to get all of the roots of this weed, I want it out of me, out of my life. It is poison, and I refuse to drink it anymore.

Yes, there is suffering in life. If Jesus Himself was matured through suffering, who do I think I am that it will take any less for me to mature? Wow…OK, human arrogance too! So I was appreciative when I came across the Helen quote, as I had forgotten. The world IS also full of the overcoming of it, and I will be one of them who do. I will make the changes needed. I will lose weight, I will exercise (once I am able), I will find other ways to work and provide for my children. It will be an adventure, not a loss. And who doesn’t love a good adventure?

Slow, Deep Breaths

Things were a bit greener in TX when this was taken, a couple of months ago. One of my favorite pics snapped spur-of-the-moment this spring. It’s been a while. 

And, it’s been a while. I would have to go back and read my last few posts to see if I could grasp why, but I ran into a complete wall inside of some odd jello-cement mix. It required some detoxing from myself, which as usual turned into me running into over-busy days and not enough time to breath, despite the man-friend in my life warning me what was coming. I’m stubborn, though, a good Finn-German-Irish IS by way of existence, and of course I could keep pushing. If it “needed” doing, I did it. 

My friend was right though, and exactly 39 days ago I dragged my barely functioning body into a bed and have been there since. Something happened to my lower spine that we are still attempting to sort out, and the rest of the body screamed “FINALLY!” and went into hibernation I think. Body is allowing my brain back a bit now *rolling eyes grin* and I do not take being idle well, so I’ve been thinking. Praying. Researching, studying, learning, planning. And praying more. And listening. Relearning how to listen. 

It was odd, the moment I collapsed, I knew I’d set foot on holy ground. I’ve had peace like I shouldn’t have with 3 children dependent on me and no income suddenly with only a very tiny bit of savings that went to bills the first month. Peace that shouldn’t be there with my “I MUST BE DOING” nature/drive. And when the mode of employment that I had found myself in..well, lets just say I’m not going to be working any jobs that requires standing or sitting, any time soon. So I lie here, and I listen, and I pray, and I wonder. And I can see Him smiling. He has a way of knocking me out on my arse when I’m running too many directions away from Him, and then waiting for me to come to. 

For two weeks He’s been whispering “you need to write, and you know it”. For two weeks….well, like I said, I’m stubborn. That trait has saved my life more than once, it’s hard to let go of sometimes. But the fire is sparking again….I’ve grown and changed in the time I’ve been away, healing has been happening. 

So, I’m back. Will be revamping a bit. Need to nibnose around in my own blog and see what’s here, what I had before,and get my bearings. But I’m back. And good things are coming from here. 

 

Priority Setting

I love this picture…it’s like a dream valley farm *soft smile*

Between the idea and seeing the end result, there are all the steps, the process. I’ve come to realize that in this age of instant everything, we’ve lost the beauty, joy, and fulfillment of “process”. Just a few years ago, when a dear brother rebuked me for trying to skip the process of healing and just “be healed”, I wanted to rip his head off. See, I grew up in that brand of churchianity that says good Christians have a cake walk life, live in mansions, never want for anything, and surely to goodness feel no pain…so if you AREN’T dancing through life with no trials and more money than you know what to do with, and have any inner pain at all, then you are in sin or at best, “not walking in faith”. If you have grief, or inner turmoil, or anything “wrong” with your life, then well…just lay it at the alter for goodness sake and get over it!

Jesus abruptly challenged me one day, in the doorway to my then bedroom, that I could either continue on that path, or walk with Him. Not very hard to make the decision…seven years later, I’m still learning HOW. When my brother said “process”, I think it took me months to get my head around that word, alone! That said, I have come to embrace the process, and the grace and mercy that come along with it…no wonder so much of todays church has so very little of either.

So anyhow, homesteading. Process. Probably, they are about one and the same. And I need to figure out what the next step is. I find myself a tad bit…how do I word this. Gardening, planting, livestock…all of that means putting down roots. I haven’t had roots for a very long time. I have also been seeing the negative effects of pulling up roots, in both my children and myself. I’m not sure how many roots I *want* to put here, being I already know it’s only temporary…I know I will be here a few years, but still, it’s temporary. Thinking…

December…..geesh!

December.

I don’t have a picture tonight as I’m not sure what mood I’m in exactly. Or even what I’m going to write about, for that matter.

How in the world is it December already?!?! Not that I’m complaining. 2013 has been a…hard year, in alot of ways, although a….freeing year, at the same time. A good year, if a painful one.

I’m going into this “holiday season” with alot from this year still on my mind. I have ALOT to be thankful for, and am. A wonderful friend has turned into “the man in my life”, something I had sworn off and figured would never happen anyway– most men can’t look past the teeth my ex knocked out, and besides, it’s just safer not to “go there” again, right? Never say never….Jesus might just bring you exactly what you need! So now my big and burly hiking & biking (sometimes) buddy has become my ‘boyfriend’…that just sounds so wrong, we need a better term for a man in his 40’s LOL!  I have four wonderful sons turning into men and all the ups and downs of that journey. I have a decent roof over my head, a better job and one I really enjoy for my FT, I have multiple PT and “on call” jobs, hence my bills are getting paid without too much headache…and I have some very good friends who support me in so many ways.

A year that has been filled with self-punishment on many levels has also shown me how Jesus can take even dreams I’ve hurdled away from me so hard I never intended to see them again, and bring them back.

I’ve seen a friend lose her husband in a tragic accident, and I’m walking, with my small church group, through the attempted suicide of one us last month. By God’s grace my brother is still alive. Now we have the chance to walk in that grace more, and learn how to walk this path of healing with him. I’ve slit my wrist before. I know where he is…or have a good idea. And in the midst of this, I’ve found I’m in a church that *shock and awe* isn’t going to crucify him for being in so much pain he couldn’t take it anymore. People don’t try suicide because they want to be dead. They do it because there is only so much pain the human body or mind can bear. We so need to see that, and approach them from that angle, not “if you commit suicide, you will burn in hell”. Seriously, people?? What god do you serve?  Someone seriously contemplating suicide is living in hell already. That’s not exactly a valid way to discourage it. Just saying.

I am learning this year it is good and right to grieve. And it is good and right to see beauty around, and in all, and on depths and levels I wouldn’t let myself go to before. I am finding a depth of beauty in the elderly couple I caretake now, that is wonderful.

I have been encouraged by Pope Francis that there may be hope for this world, and I’m not even Catholic. Had I not found said church above though, this Pope could almost tempt me to become one. Holy smokes, a Christian living it on the world stage. What is this?? And not afraid to say the hard things & take the backlash! I may fall over…*soft smile* Your Kingdom come Your will be done Father…

and…I need to quit for now. It’s bedtime, and I need to paint my toenails yet *grin*.