Posts Tagged With: learning

Small Steps

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blog steps

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I seriously need to spend some time researching formatting. Every time I think I have it figured out, I’m wrong. Persistence!!

I took a step back from everything after my last post. I know I am not in this current trial to thrash around like a fish dying on the shore, which is very much what it felt like I was quickly becoming. I have been asking Jesus and Father for some time, “Who am I, and how do I find out, and what does that mean?” I am not one who can believe none of this has meaning-not my single life being lived, not the grass growing (or trying to in Texas) outside even. As has been evidenced by much of my writing here, this is a question I have wrestled with. Who am I? Why am I here, what am I to do? Specifically, not the platitudes of “make the world a better place” and such. My initial reaction to such is always an internal “Duh…do I look like an idiot??” even if I don’t give voice to it.

I am realizing it has been a journey to accept the fact of personhood, for me. Perhaps that is a result of the abuse, the loss of identity that goes with it. Perhaps it is a result of my childhood, the constant derision of my dreams and goals, the statements of “that isn’t what you really want/think/feel/mean/etc”, and the being forced into the mold my mother had for me, which never ever fit. Whatever the cause, some of the heart work of the last two weeks made me realize I was feeling guilty, STILL, for even existing. For being. That despite thinking I had grown past it, the repeated message of “you were a mistake, if I had a choice you wouldn’t be here” beginning when I was very small was still influencing me, still cutting and tearing deep inside, still undermining any confidence or sense of “I am, and that is right and good.” I spent many hours one day with a close friend, talking through this and other aspects, and discovering that this wound is still there, unhealed. Denial is a powerful blinder. One wants to think they’ve dealt with something, and it’s done, done for good, I’m all better now, thank-you-very-much!

Unearthing that though was key. My behaviors lately have baffled me. Why am I panicking SO MUCH?! It’s not the first time I’ve been around this mountain. I’ve been unemployed and wondering where and how my children and I will live more times than I want to admit. I’ve scratched and fought and worked my way back to a place of being able to make it only to have my feet kicked out from under me, multiple times. Although I think sometimes God tries to keep my blood pressure at 210/115, He always comes through. I wish He weren’t so fond of the dramatic last minute (or second) rescue, but I don’t have much say in that LOL! What I do have a say in though is my response. Realizing I felt like I DID NOT have a say in my response, as I could not be my own person, because I did not deserve to exist…THAT has made a difference.

In the midst of that, Spirit finally said “It’s time…” regarding taking the RHETI test. I have been researching the Enneagram since this last winter, off and on, as some people I deeply respect and regard as teachers and mentors use it for their own growth. The more I learned about the origins, development, and applications of the Enneagram I began to think this might be an extremely useful tool in my life, growth, and healing. I would not let myself read about the types, as I did not want to know before taking the test. So when Spirit led, and I had a morning all to myself in quiet, I did. And I think I will be blogging about it for a while. The test was amazingly accurate, and in being so it also mysteriously afforded me permission to Be Who I Am, and gave me hints as to who that is. I am still processing, will be, and will do some of that processing here. Looking forward to that!

Also, I am working slowly through a writing course. It took me the first 2 weeks to accept that I had been accepted, so now I am playing catch up *rolls eyes at self* The course is teaching me also about myself…who I am. What is my rhythm, how do my words work, what do I need to write, and increasingly, that I *am* a writer, and I can embrace that. There are signs of life stirring deep inside, life in this area that I have fought so hard and pushed down in fear so much. Words are coming now, story pouring out. I have much to learn…but the plug has been unstopped. Thank the Lord!

Categories: Faith and Wrestling, Healing & Growing | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

These Vows We Make

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s a slightly antiquated word, it seems, in this “modern” age-Vow. Like a promise, but more than. It seems to me our society often tends to turn away from the weightier things. They are, after all, harder to carry. It’s quicker going in the shallows, skimming on FB, celeb watching, keeping ourselves constantly busy and in the presence of noise so we don’t hear the depth in ourselves calling out even. Not everyone, by any means, thank goodness, but too many. We hurt ourselves because we won’t slow down, we won’t partake in silence and listen to the cries of our own souls or those around us.

Sometimes the Lover of our soul has to wrestle us to stillness with a touch to the hip (or back, in my case) to make us slow down to where we Have To be still…I believe in the hope that we will, eventually, stop wrestling and listen. I wonder why we are all so afraid to be alone with ourselves….

In this alone place, inside, this week some vows I made as a child and teen have come to the surface. It was through the books and old forum of Ransomed Heart Ministries that Jesus began this journey with me, back in 2006. I could never quite grasp one of the things they taught though, the concept of what they call ‘agreements’. It made sense, but it was like a wall between me and that deeper area, a place of “I just don’t see it”. Perhaps I wasn’t ready. His grace is so generous…he has proven that over and over in the past 8 years. He is so much more patient than I with my “progress”, so willing to wait until I am ready. That is one thing I have grown to love so much about my Lord. He teaches me how to be gentle with myself, as one of my best friends has often told me to be, by being so Himself.

But back to agreements, which are really vows. Often uttered in moments of pain or disillusionment or anger or another strong emotion, and many when we are children, before we really have the comprehension for the weight of the words we are uttering….yet they are uttered, and with passion and meaning, all that we can muster in those moments….and they become binding. Time passes, and we forget…at least, in the surface living. There is more to this world than meets the eye, and more to us than we allow. It might be “I will never trust another grown up” or “I will never eat yogurt again” after a really bad case of food poisoning. Twenty years later, you can’t say why you won’t eat yogurt, but you won’t. Granted, that’s a trivial example, but it gets the point across.

I’ve been frustrated with myself for a long time in one area. I love to learn. I read non-fiction like it’s going out of style because I LOVE IT. I love to research and to study and I do, on various topics. I need to find work I can do as things are. So I begin looking, and quickly realize just how outdated I am LOL! Egads….I can write, sure, but no…I don’t know how to use MS Word even, not really. Sure I can sort of fumble around in it and frustrate myself in the doing, but USE it? It’s more like it uses me and runs off laughing. And that’s Just Word. *rolls eyes at self* How in the world do I expect to get a decent job? I ask myself. This conversation happened about 3 weeks ago, inside. So I’m talking to a friend about it and he directs me to some certification courses and free learning courses to learn and BAM headlong into a wall when I start looking. What in the world is wrong with me?!?!

After two weeks of searching inside as I could, in this particular area, I feel ok to start. So I sign up for a class. And do the first lesson, and then…jello. Interesting…what is this? It took a few days of listening, but then, softly, quietly…”I will never go to school again”. And I remember…

despite loving to learn, hating school and what it meant, both while there and at home, in elementary.

ditto for Jr High…only that included, even more so, the lesson of “you are not enough” and “who you think you are is wrong”.

ditto for High School, but it included the pressure that I HAD BETTER be valedictorian, but with the knowing that I had to be, that I still was not going to be allowed to follow what burned inside of me, because that was “wrong”.

and throughout my senior year, and the pain involved with the crushing, and the being told I would not be allowed to utilize the full scholarship to UofM I had been awarded, making that vow. “I will never go to school again.”

And I haven’t. Until this week. Oh, it’s rather measly, for sure. But It Is A Start.

I renounce that vow. Some vows, it is OK to break. Some are meant to be broken. Some are chains, and they need to be cut. Get the bolt cutters, friend, they are coming off!

It was a fight to get my lessons done, but I did. I got 100% on my first test. And I turned in my end of week assignment, just in time. But it’s IN.

Do you have vows you’ve made in those moments that are hindering you? I’m sure I will find more. Jesus has decided it’s time, I’m ready, to face some of this. I know I can trust His timing. And it’s really Nice to be able to breathe in this area, again.

I think I’m looking forward to school. *soft smile*

Categories: Faith and Wrestling, Goals and Desires, Healing & Growing | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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