About the About, I think

For some crazy reason, I’m still processing that this blog isn’t still gone. It felt like it shouldn’t have bothered me as much as it did that when I wanted it, it wasn’t there. It felt like it struck way harder than was reasonable. It felt similar to losing my decades of journals, even though I never used it near as much. It felt like yet another betrayal, and death, when I came back last year and it was just …gone. So yah, still processing.

I had to look at my About page for this blog. It is hard to believe that 8 years passed since my last entry. Time truly does fly, whether one is having fun or not.

I have hardened in those 8 years, I see, and not necessarily in a good way.

Realistically, there won’t be a real life homestead. Property values and taxes are beyond ridiculous here, as is cost of living. I know someone with a late 1980’s double wide that this greedy county has tried to appraise at a half million dollars – an old mobile home in need of repairs. I will have to leave Texas to make any sort of headway on land ownership most likely.

Its been a hard fought 8 years. I am more cynical on many fronts. I am tired. I have watched some I love deeply fall into drug addiction because they had it jammed down their throats that “real men don’t go to counseling or need a therapist”. I guess real men abuse themselves and those around them and grow bitter, hard, and cold. (insert rolling eyes here…that was dripping with sarcasm). I’m sorry, but real men, like real women, face their demons and work through the pain, learn and grow, and some of that learning will come with the help of others. None of us possess all wisdom and answers. It is a slow, painful process, yes..but it is the way out and through.

I found out about the Enneagram, have listened to hours of Suzanne Stabile’s teachings, and Father Rohr’s, and Russ Hudson’s. I found out early on that although on the testing I score almost even as a 1 & 5, 9 & 2 are only 1 point behind..4 & 6 close behind that, then a decent drop to 8, and 7 &3 are very low…..listening to Suzanne, I am a 5, if a slightly odd one, as I cannot live without touch. I also think 5’s are rather misunderstood. Its not that we are cold, or have no emotions, or any of the other similar things I’ve heard. Its that, if we don’t trust you, you won’t see any of that. We learned early to disappear to survive. That is not an easy thing to un-learn. If you (irl) don’t prove you can be trusted day in and day out, you won’t see that. I’m much more prone to write, though. I guess because to some degree it still feel anonymous, as much as I logically know it isn’t. That said, I don’t have anything linked for a reason. I wouldn’t talk about anything at all here if it was.

Anyway…I am trying to decide do I keep this open, or do I, like with the journals, let it go. There are places in me that have not forgiven me for that…because they did, somewhat, survive the fire. They were burnt into a large block, but probably, in hindsight, could have been broken apart, pieces saved. I don’t know why, but when asked if I was going to keep them, I said no, I can’t….and they went in the dumpster. Something broke then, there, or I closed a door, or …I don’t know. Maybe it was a self betrayal. I don’t have a list of names, anymore. I don’t have all of those conversations. I can’t get them back. But I was so numb. I found them right after finding what was left of my cat, and hiding it, so my boys didn’t know, as they were under the impression the cats ran away. I am slowly recognizing though, that had somewhat to do with my inability to write since.

I lost parts of myself again. Now do I try to find them? I don’t know. Sorry for rambling.

Hmmm…

Well. This is interesting.

I logged on a year ago to write again something here, and it said I had deleted the account. I knew I didn’t, but ….(those closest to me will understand). It hasn’t shown up on my dashboard “change accounts” anytime I logged on, hoping I could write something on my other blog, and just checking.

Yet here it is, today.

I’m feeling a certain level of shock at the moment, and wondering.

I lost the ability to write after a death in 2012 that quite literally took me out at the knees. Every now and then, I’d try. I *need* to write like I *need* to breath, and I have very much felt like I have been suffocating for a decade now. Life has been hard, as it has been for so many of us, but writing was how I worked things out most of my life. I was just starting to come back late 2016, then lost my lifetime’s worth of journals in a housefire Jan of 2017, and something inside said “f*** it, I’m done.*

For some reason, when 2023 rolled around, the urge to create, to write, was there again. I will need to look at this site again, see if it continues, see it I move on to my other blog or start anew, but I can’t help but fine this …interesting.